Lyrics

She was the daughter of a banker
And he was the son of a bitch.
He had to buy a boat in Seattle.
He had a sea fairing itch.

He towed the boat all the way to Anacortes.
Smacked the boat right into the dock.
Yelled at his wife to “UNHOOK IT!”.
Then he drove the boat into the friggin rocks.

That’s when a salty sea fairing fellow rowed up on a little pram out of nowhere and said ”Whatever you do you, give wide berth to Spieden Island.”

Just then a cloud rolled in, and the salty sea fairing fellow’s eyes squished up. “John Wayne used to hunt wild game out there with all his big wig buddies. Until the seventies when it all got shut down.”

“The island was deserted for years and all of the imported animals were left to fend for themselves. To manage this existence, these species were forced to interbreed and co-mingle their genes in ways unforseen in any scholarly text, scientific laboratory, or religious manuscript. You kids steer clear of there.”

And with that, Salty and the clouds were gone.

It’s really fun drinking out in the sunlight.
Mojitos and coconut rum.
A guy can lose track of time out here.
A guy can get a real good buzz.

“Yo, ho, ho. Hey, look at me! I’m a captain. I’m a pirate!”

That’s when things started getting tipsy, and the waves started getting bigger and bigger and more unpredictable.

“It says here, we’re in Hell’s Half-Acre” the banker’s daughter said. “Is it gonna get worse?”

The son of a bitch’s legs felt like jelly and his head started to spin. “I got to pee real bad.”

“Oh for the love. Use the toilet on the boat for crying out loud.”

“NO! It’s brand new and I don’t want to get it dirty. I’m going off the back here. Hold my mojito and don’t spill it!”

He went off the back for sure.
That was dumb.
She was just freaking out.
But didn’t spill a drop of that coconut rum.

The waves came up (and they came crashing down)
and the son of a bitch (he almost drowned)
She got out her phone (her cellular phone)
and dialed 911 (it’s not gonna work)
and all she got was Verizon customer service. (Oh no.)
That was dumb.

It was a miracle that he made it to shore
As far as miracles, man there would just be no more.
Because out of the thickets, the shadows they came.
The shadows of creatures with no species name.

Part rhino, part lion, part tiger, part bear.
Crab claws for hands and seaweed for hair.
And as dumb as he was, he knew to run was in vain.
Just then from the thickets
the ghost of John Wayne.

The Duke fired a round from his see through ghost gun.
And the shadows just scurried, back from whence they had come.

“Well thank you ghost cowboy. Thank you for saving my hide.
Without your ghost gun, I surely would have died.”

“Well, you think that’s what I fired my gun for? Ha ha ha.
No, these are my pets and there’s no trespassing here.
No partner, no. That’s just a fun thing we like to do.
That signaled the start. And now we’re hunting for you.”

Then from over the thickets, they were heard before saw.
The mothers and fathers of the creatures before.
They were four times as big, and they were nine times as mean.

And in a painful forty minutes, they picked the son of a bitch’s bones clean.

Give a wave on Lopez Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Be a slave on Freeman Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
(The Island, Spieden Island)
Bless a nun on Shaw Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Pardon the noise on Whidbey Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Feel blue on Yellow Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Try to buy Allen Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Drink rum on Double Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Bring your dog to Guemes Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Get crabs on Cypress Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.
Get stung out on Wasp Island, but don’t stop on Spieden Island.

CREDITS

Words by ShaneG and QuinnK. Music by ShaneG.

Narrator / Bass / Easy Acoustic Guitar parts: ShaneG
The Son of a Bitch / Keyboards / Marimba: Sticky Aphid White Fly
Salty / Drums: Splat Ratchett
Hard Acoustic Guitar parts: Larry Anderson
Daughter of a Banker: Staci Pulver
Ghost of John Wayne: Knut Bell
Electric Guitar: Blind Lemon Pledge
Stomps and Claps: Blind Lemon Pledge, Jon E Catt and Splat Rathett

Samples by ShaneG and QuinnK

Mixed by Conrad Uno